Today marked the end of an era for me. I closed a chapter, thinking I was turning a page. One I wasn’t quite ready to close, though even that feels like an understatement. It wasn’t just closing the door; it was a door I locked on my way out. No going back.
The realisation that there is no going back has hit me harder than I expected. I walked away from my home and closed the door on a relationship and a life I once thought I would have. I relived the memories for a moment, trying not to reread the pages.
I know going back is not an option, but I always imagined it differently – not just the life we would have had there, but also how we sold the house. I imagined it with him; we would sell that house together when we were ready to buy our home. Instead, it is just me, my pain, and my broken memories.
Relationship breakdown. Of course, they do. But this one was different – to me, it was. It was a relationship I had faith in, a man I could only once have dreamt of. Now, I can only hope that one day I look back on him fondly, appreciating the good times and not reliving the misery or the pain. But today isn’t that day. Today, I wish he were here, I wish he were with me, to whisper it is all going to be okay, and maybe for a second, I would believe him.
If I could tell him anything today, it would be … “You were my one, and I would have been yours forever. Our chapter is closed, as is my heart.”
Today was the last day of my life falling apart. Today, I know there is no us. I locked the door for the final time, which, in many ways, symbolised me moving on.
I’m sure in hindsight, this post will sound pathetic – when I have healed a little and started to put my life back together. Maybe I wasn’t ready for this post because I am not ready for the emotions that accompany it. I wish I were at the end of this journey, with a list of takeaways, about how my life is better than ever, and that I understand now why everything had to fall apart. I would have the wisdom to share.
But today and for now, I am acknowledging my pain and beginning the grieving process. And I start writing again.